God of the Gaps: Praying for the S.O.B.

In his book Is Human Forgiveness Possible? John Patton examines the familiar story:

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (Matthew 18:21-22)

Patton says:

Peter’s question seems to say, “Please give me a rule so I don’t have to keep dealing with this. How can I know when enough is enough? I want to know what to do instead of having to come to terms with the whole history of our relationship.” Jesus’ response to the question says in effect, “I am unwilling to give you a way out of a continuing relationship to your brother.” (Is Human Forgiveness Possible?)

Jesus is unwilling to give us an out; refusing to forgive is not an option. Yet many of us as Christians struggle to forgive: the offense is grievous; the offender is unrepentant; the offense is repeated; we cannot simply “forgive and forget.” How then are we to live?

Colossians 3:12-14

Commentary

The context for these verses is Colossians 3:1-17, which in the NIV has the heading “Rules for Holy Living.” In v1-4, Paul reminds us that God raises us up to a new way of life. We die—cut ourselves off—from our old way of life and wait for the new God-powered way of life to take over. In v5-11, Paul exhorts us to dispense with the trappings of our old way of living—taking it off as we would take of filthy work clothes—and adopt a new way of living. (Compare this with Romans 6:5-14 & Ephesians 4:22-23.)

v12-14 lists some of the individual traits of this new way of life, while v15-17 gives a hint of what this new way of living might look like as a unified community.

Application

A Sufi proverb says, “If a man removes his bitterness, he becomes human; otherwise he becomes an animal.” The barrier to forgiveness is resentment. Resentment means, literally, “feeling again.” When we harbor grudges (big or small) in our resentment we are nursing the pain and giving it new life. Where we struggle with our faith, where we do not see (or feel!) the kind of spiritual growth that we so very much crave, perhaps we have not learned the best way to forgive. Perhaps we have tried to forgive, but are still holding on to resentment. Resentment has the power to cancel our feeble attempts at forgiveness.

For many of us, forgiveness is still a forced act. When we were children (and later when we are parents!) we played out the following script:

“Now tell your brother that you’re sorry for hitting him. Say it!”

“I’m sorry!”

“Now, tell your sister that you forgive her. Say it!”

“That’s OK.”

“OK, now go and play nicely.”

Did genuine forgiveness take place? Of course not! Inside each of those children—inside of us when we were children—there was a voice saying, “I will say the words, but I will not submit!”

We can argue about what is needed for real forgiveness—remorse, repentance, penitence, restitution, punishment, etc.—however, many of us do not forgive any more effectively than we used to as children following that script. For many of us as Christians, we know that God would have us forgive; we still hear that script, “Tell your sister that you forgive her.” We will say the words, but our hearts have trouble submitting! Is there any wonder why we feel like failures when our hearts do not back up our words?

Perhaps there is a different path to forgiveness. Perhaps we have been following the wrong script.

Preliminary research findings echo ancient understandings of forgiveness and shed intriguing light on the ongoing story of a spirituality of imperfection. Forgiveness, the investigators rediscovered, does not come easily, but it does, apparently, come suddenly. “Serene” persons—those who had suffered victimization but who now harbored no resentments—described not a specific act of forgiving, but rather a discovery of themselves as having forgiven. These individuals reported the failure of their direct efforts to forgive—they couldn’t force the experience. “The harder I tried to forgive, the more I seemed to resent,” was a frequent description. Realizing this, they stopped “trying to forgive” and instead “just sort of let go”; and then, after varying intervals of time, came the astonishing discovery that the resentment had disappeared, that they somehow already had forgiven.

... [Forgiveness] is one of those realities that cannot be “willed,” that becomes more impossible the harder one tries to will it. Forgiveness, in fact, becomes possible only when will is replaced by willingness; it results less from effort than from openness. (The Spirituality of Imperfection, p 216)

Forgiveness is a reality that cannot be willed, and we have been beating ourselves up by trying to will it and then punishing ourselves for not being able to will it.

Paul gave us the metaphor of taking off our old practices, our old self (v9), and putting on new practices, a new self (v12), and thereby becoming a new creation. Our old script for forgiveness, which allowed resentment to fester, was like putting new clothes on without taking the old, filthy clothes off first. Is it any wonder that we were not happy with the result? We stank!
In order to rid ourselves of resentment, we must first let go of our vision of ourselves as the victim. Playing the victim is an abdication of responsibility, it is remaining the child and mouthing the words dictated to us by one in authority. As long as we are victims, we will never feel free.

To move beyond victimhood, we must take responsibility for our selves and take a measure of responsibility for our future relationship with the one who offended us. (Remember, Jesus has refused to give us an automatic out!)

One option is to consider ourselves dead to revenge or justice. Simply assume that justice is something that we will never see (at least not on our time frame). Grieve the loss of justice and move on.

The other option is: Pray for the S.O.B.! (The prayer tends to work as long as one does not presume to tell God what the S.O.B. deserves.)

In either case, we take several positive steps: we refuse to be the victim; we take responsibility for our feelings; we take off our old way of living; and we allow God to act, either by bringing justice or by changing us as we pray for the S.O.B. Perhaps the S.O.B. that is changed is us!

The Discipline of Forgiveness:
Taking Responsibility for the Relationship

Forgiveness has a several nuanced meanings. The offended party should take
an active role in determining what steps towards forgiveness the offender is
ready to pursue:

1 – Admission of responsibility. If there are extenuating circumstances, then the offender may wish exoneration. Otherwise, if the offender is open to taking responsibility, then future reconciliation is possible. If the offender refuses to take responsibility, then at some point the offended party must take responsibility for forging what the ongoing relationship, if any, will look like.

2 – Freedom from punishment. It may be that the offender simply wants remission of punishment; this does not mean that the offended party should “forgive & forget.” If the offender is ready to stand in condemnation of what happened, then a return to the community in some form may be feasible.

3 – Return. It may be that the relationship is irreparable, but a place for the offender in a moral community is possible (e.g. a divorced couple remaining on speaking terms). It may be that the relationship is reparable, but then the ultimate question is what will the form of that relationship be.

4 – Restore or re-create? If a relationship can be repaired, one option is to attempt to “go back to the way it used to be.” Personally, I think this is generally foolhardy, and one is better off using the knowledge of what happened to forge a new, stronger, more resilient relationship.

(Steps adapted from Helping People Forgive, by David Augsburger)

The offended party has the power to make these determinations even if the offender is incapable. In almost all case, all parties are best served by not forgetting the past. As Arthur Schopenhauer said, “To forgive and forget means to throw away dearly bought experience.”

Points to Ponder

Where are you living with resentment? Can you grieve the loss or justice? Can you pray for the S.O.B.?

What if you resent what God has done? Can you still pray?