Gifts of Grace: Train a Child in the Way He Should Go

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. (Proverbs 22:6)

This is a frequently-quoted proverb … but what does it mean?

Ephesians 6:1-4

Commentary

v2 Honor. Honor is such an abstract word. A practical definition for honor is "count it as valuable." Do we count our parents as valuable?

v2-3 Paul is referring to the fifth of the Ten Commandments. Specifically, he is quoting the commandment from Deut. 5:16,and not from Exodus 20:12. (Why do I say that? How are these two versions of the commandment different? Look them up!) In either case, the commandment promises that the Israelites will live a long time in the promised land. Paul has subtly changed the promise, presumably to make it apply to a more Gentile, more geographically distant, set of believers.

v4 Exasperate. The verb can mean to make angry, or to bring one to the point of deep-seated anger. The verb tense implies a habitual action. Therefore, the point is not that fathers should not discipline their children. Rather, they should not be so constantly overbearing and domineering as to squash their children and give them a cause for resentment.

Bring them up. The verb can also indicate nurturing or tender caring.

Training and instruction. These refer to discipline according to the law, on one hand, and warning (if necessary) on the other. The word for training is only used on other place in Paul’s letters (2 Tim. 3:16) but it is used 4 times in Hebrews 12:5-11 in the sense of discipline. Encouragement and warnings can assist keeping a foolish child on track, but ultimately it is up to the child to change (e.g. Titus 3:10).

Say It Again, Paul ...

Compare Eph. 6:1-4 with Col. 3:20-21:

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

How does this parallel passage help you to understand today’s text?

Application

Parents, especially fathers, are most likely to exasperate their children when they impose capricious and arbitrary rules on the children. Usually, parents focus on obedience, "Just do what I’m telling you to do!" We make up a law—our law—and impose it on our children; then we wonder why our children are angry.

These verses advocate a different approach: nurturing our children in God’s law, giving them encouragement, and warning them when they stray too far. Nurture might begin by learning what God’s law is and why it is good.

Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.
But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night. (Psalm 1:1-2)

Nurture might involve telling stories which point to the goodness of God’s law. Nurture might allow for children to learn by living with the consequences of bad decisions. Nurture will require us to love our children in the process of them learning God’s law.

Psychologists will tell you that when you give your child a rule to follow, an order to be obeyed, you give him something to resist. All of the energies of the child can become focused on resisting the rule—proving that they can make their own decisions. Nurture with empathy might look like talking problems through with you child, helping them to understand where things went wrong, leading them along so they can discover for themselves what they need to do.

With kids lots of times I end up having conversations like:

That problem you’re having—don’t you feel like you’re pushing a rock uphill? Don’t you think there might be another way to go on this? I wonder ... where could you have done something differently? How do you think that might have worked out?

Nurture is going to look like that a lot—not being bossy, not insisting on compliance, but sitting with your child and helping them to glean God’s way to go. Meditating on God’s law might begin with something as simple as that.

Points to Ponder

So … are we supposed to become Old Testament scholars of the law? Are we supposed to be like the Pharisees living by a strict interpretation of the law? Are we supposed to teach our children to stone spiritists and mediums (Lev. 20:27)?

On the other hand, are we supposed to live by a New Testament law? What might that be? Does the Sermon on the Mount (Matt. 5-7) give us a law to live by?

Is it possible that Jesus and the New Testament show us what it means to be nurtured in God’s law?